Carlisle's Realisation
by feathersxblood
Summary: Carlisle is a newly created vampire, he is a monster, and he wants to change it. So he tries everything possible
1. Infactuation

-- Infactuation --

_**-- Infactuation --**_

_This pain._

_This burning, starving and craving, immense pain._

_Not of transformation, but of the bloodlust._

_The thirst..._

_That desire.._

_I can feel of my throat, burning, craving for the sweet crimson liquid that would quench the problem for a short matter of time._

_For the food of our life._

_For what kept us sane._

_I crave blood._

_Shit._

_I need blood... I need.. I need to drink... To feed... To live..._

_I.. I am a monster.. I'm what I feared the most.. I'm... I can't live this way..._


	2. Suicide

-- Infactuation --

_**-- Suicide --**_

_Why can't I die?_

_Why the hell can't I die?_

Carlisle stood strong, albeit a little faint from fatigue, purely from not having eaten... Sorry.. No, purely from not having what exactly?

But other than that, he was alive.

Not breathing.

Not scathed in any way, shape or form...

He was there.

In all god-like beauty, alive and.. Well

_Won't anything work?_

_Won't anything kill me?_

Carlisle swallowed as realisation hit him hard. Harder than the awakening had..

Harder that the thirst had.

Being what he was.. Had made him almost immortal. Knowing now, that he was alone. He couldn't turn to anyone for help or guidance, yet, what guidance would be offered to a suicidal demonic monster?

He laughed aloud at the thought, shaking his head.

_Drowning... Nope. For I didn't need to breathe._

_Cutting... Nope. For one, I didn't bleed, and even if I had of done, what would get through this skin?_

_Shooting... No. Marble like skin was a bloody protective barrier..._

_Hanging. No. Didn't need to breathe, once again. Failed attempt._

_Overdose. No. This body wouldn't be affected, I'm already dead in technical sense._

So what was left?

_Starvation... _

Maybe at some point, his mind had thought that restricting his body of food, that being blood. That it would die.

That theory had been wrong.

Severely wrong.

_No.. Not even that works.. It only makes me weak.. Not weak enough to die, but weak enough for immense pain..._

How did you kill a monster exactly?


	3. Monster

-- Monster --

_**-- Monster --**_

_I don't know why I survived it._

_I don't know why I wasn't found, and I certainly don't know how I kept hidden._

_Why didn't he finish me off?_

_Was it the mob chasing him? Was it a desire to create another...?_

_No._

_It can't possibly have been that..._

_I don't know how I survived the pain.. It hurt more than.. Well. There were no words to describe it. That pain was tortue. It was tormenting to go through it. But how..?_

_How on this god-forsaken earth, did I survive?_

_The venom._

_Obviously. I knew the theory now of how to transform_

_One thing I knew for definate though, I was a monster..._

_I was a monster..._

_Me..._

_I was something that I'd been brought up to hunt. Brought up to destroy.._

_And now.. _

_I-- Was dispicable in every sense..._


	4. Substitution

-- Monster --

_**-- Substitution --**_

Carlisle opened his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose in thought, trying and failing to ignore the burning desire in his throat, realising something.

_Yet.. I don't have to be... I don't have to be so condemned as this..._

His eyes snapped shut and open again as the thought hit him.

_Yes, I need blood to live.. Or to succumb the fatigue, but I do not have to kill for it._

_Not humans.._

_I- I can survive from a substitue..._

_But what?_

_What will replace blood?_

_Nothing... I can't exactly just live on human food now, I don't need that._

_I don't have anything for that... _

_Surely.. Something.. Some other way..._

_I don't have to be the monster I was created as..._

_But only if I find a substitute first..._

It took him several long minutes, testing the theory he came up with before approving it.

Even if it wouldn't work, then.. Well.. He was screwed.

Well and truly screwed.

_Animals..._

He could just.. Hunt animals.

Humans did that. Killed animals for meat, to eat. To live. To survive.

So why should he be any different?

The coy smile lifted the corner of his mouth as he discovered the loophole in the Vampirism..

_I don't have to be a monster after all..._


End file.
